Business as Usual for the Boys in Blue

By Tony Blizzard

As the weather turned typically British the Hemscott bandwagon rolled on in scintillating Samba style.

Todays trouncing of OAP side "The Corps" spelled the end of an era as Sean Robins said farewell to the Hemscott faithful, ushering in a period of total dominance in his wake. After some distasteful off-pitch antics David "Work-Rate" Ririe failed a fitness test and was replaced by the spritely Minh Kieu, and with Dave "the Peckham Prowler" arriving fashionably late the game started in earnest.

Speading the ball around like soft butter on a fresh bap Hemscott looked in tip-top shape. The lads had obviously been putting in the hours at the training ground as one of the Corps boys was heard to whimper "…please, a-a-abandon match.." whilst scurrying after a searching Minh Kieu pass. The deadlock was broken when, believe it or not, Hemscott's unsung hero Jamie "the cider chugging chubster" Donovan drilled a left-footed Scholes-like drive through a crowd into the keepers arms who then proceeded to roll over and throw the ball into his own net. As Ron Atkinson once said: "A ten foot keeper really should have stopped that". 1-0 to the Cockney Boys.

Now that Hemscott had stamped their authority all over the metaphorical cheque book stub of this footballing exhibition they really started to take the p*ss. Mink Kieu, resembling the Maradona, surged forward time and time again, carving the defense to ribbons. Inevitably the second goal arrived in the form of a super-jinking run from the Dave Timothy which culminated in a net bursting strike to the bottom corner. The Corps' keeper prayed for mercy. Unfortunately the Lord Almighty wasn't listening (reports suggest he is currently dealing with the indignity of a terrorism charge.)

Next came the moment of the match: after scything down a cocky opposing upstart Mink Kieu brought the ball down, looked up, smirked with arrogance and curled one off from the half way line, the crowd gasped in astonishment as the ball, seemingly pulled by a divine magnetic force towards the gaping goal, began to fly irrevocably into the top corner. But, alas it was not to be as the ball pinged off the post and into the keepers arms. A bystander with precision steelwork construction credentials commented "That goal is not to industry standards, I will not rest until that goal is allowed!" - our thoughts are with the guys family as he was tragically mowed down by a milk float as he ran across the road in a bid to inform the FA.

Anyway, Hemscott were now coasting and the half time whistle couldn't come a moment too early for the rapidly deteriorating Corps five. Sportingly the Hemscott boys signed autographs and performed an Irish jig on the centre circle. Michael Flatley described it as: "Great stuff".

The referees whistle signalled play on and the game continued in much the same way that it ended. The Corps central veteran defender appeared to be losing his patience when his two footed lunge left Sean Robins in a crumpled heap on the floor. What happened next can only be described as some sort of paranormal telepathy as Sean Robins cheekily pushed the ball back to Dave Timothy who, wearing his girlfriends trainers, powerfully drove the ball into the back of the net and chalked one more up on the board titled "Dave's lovely goals". The boys carried on working hard, offering a footballing masterclass to the mesmerised onlookers demonstrating textbook step-overs and back-heels you only normally see at Upton Park (disclaimer: T.Blizzard will not be held accountable for technical inaccuracies).

The fourth and arguably the best strike of the game came after a lightning fast Hemscott break away. As Dave Timothy carried the ball out to the right hand side of the pitch Sean Robins arrived to pick up DT's well placed backheel. With bags of time SR tipped up his collar and whispered "Au Revoir" before lacing the ball into the top-corner. EAT THAT! With the Corps well and truly beaten the fifth was only a matter of time. Once again Dave Timothy popped up in a defensive position, shimmied, faked, threw dummies left, right and centre and then buried the ball well out of reach of the despairing Corps goalie. Goodnight Vienna. Taking pity on the Corps players the referee blew for full time, ending what was a smashing soccer showdown, to quote Big Ron again: "They've done the old-fashioned things well; they've kicked the ball, they've headed it". The Hemscott keeper Chris Crow had little to do in this one-sided affair but good heavens was he looking hot!

Colin Greer who has been touted as the next Chelsea manager had this to say:
"Hot dang! That was some fine soccer! YEE HAW!!"